Your child is one-of-a-kind.....you secretly hope they broke the
mold.
Your baby cries way too much. Damned, if you can figure out why more than
half the time. You walk them, rock them, and pass them off to any willing arms. You
are up at night way too much. You receive plenty of advice, most of it unhelpful.
You feel alone, punished, lost, ashamed, and most of all exhausted.
Your birth probably wasn't smooth, nor was nursing and either you have
given up or you are still nursing day and night, and maybe struggling with your
baby refusing to nurse, crying at feedings, or suffering with painful nipples. You
may stay home because the mere thought of going out is exhausting. You let your
baby cry because you don't know what else to do. You may be having fantasies
about running away from home, chucking him out the window or putting her in the
oven.
You have tried all the traditional solutions:
You have held them, "shooshed" them, swaddled them, and walked the floor. You
have tried letting them cry it out and they don't stop. You have read books,
watched videos, you've changed your diet or tried every formula. You have tried
chiropractic, cranial sacral therapy, medication, homeopathics and infant massage
and still they cry.
Why the traditional solutions don't work:
The problem with all these methods is just that: Methods. Tools. Tools without an
instruction manual, to be exact. And, as you have come to realize, your high need
baby did not come with an instruction manual. Of any kind. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
No Instruction Manual. And you may not want to hear this...It may be a while
before you figure out some strategies that work for you both.
"Great." you say. "Now what?"
When you have an unhappy or difficult baby, whether it is your first baby, or fifth,
for that matter, it can be really hard to figure out what is going on. How could they
need SO MUCH? What is the real problem? Especially when they are obviously in
pain. Is it a physical problem like gas or GERD? Are there other circumstances
beyond your control, like siblings? Even when you do figure out what is causing the
problem: You are still left with:
"I can't take it any more. What do I do now?"
This question is legitimate and scary. You are an adult. You should know how to
do this, right?
Wrong.
Most of us were not raised in a community where we observed babies being
parented. You may have memories of your siblings, or you may have babysat.
Chances are, you never learned the basics of babyhood. Even if you did,
mainstream parenting doesn't understand high need babies.
If this is the case, then you, of all parents, can use some help. That doesn't
mean you know what kind of help you are needing, or where to get it. It just means
that you could use some help of some kind. When you are exhausted and rattled
from your baby's demands, it's hard to know what to do. You feel as if you are the
only one who gone through this and just want to give up.
"My baby's still howling. Can I get some help, like right NOW?"
Can you try this? Take a moment and relax with your baby. Right now... Even if she
is howling....snuggle her in close, take a deep breath in and let it out....remember
why you did this.
You may not believe this, but you are the expert in what is best for your
child. In time, you will know what to do and things will get better.
You are probably going to need more than a couple of things to be confident in
your abilities, to know that you know your baby and that you are the perfect parent
for your child. Most high need babies grow into high need children, then spirited
teens before finally blossoming into amazing adults. But that's a long way off. Let's
start small.
Here are some things that might help you, right now.
Here's why I am passionate about high need babies:
My own high need baby drove me to the brink of insanity just trying to figure
him out. I started mothering with an unexpected cesarean followed by a year of
crying and postpartum depression, a high-need baby and a full-time business. We
learned breastfeeding the hard way. After two years of working full-time, I quit
trying to "shoe-horn" my high need baby into a mold he would never fit. I became a
stay-at-home mom. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I was terrified!
What if I had two more kids like my first?
The turning point was during the pregnancy with my twins when I had my
first Resonance Repatterning session and went on to have a VBAC at home. The
twins were and are calmer and less needy than their brother. I became a La Leche
League Leader in 1998 and a Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) in 2010.
I studied Resonance Repatterning for 10 years and become a Certified Practitioner
in 2009.
My high need child was and is my most demanding teacher. He has
uncompromising demands for my personal growth. All my kids have allowed (or
forced) me to embody spiritual qualities like grace, joy, connection, humility,
acceptance and humor. In hindsight, I appreciate the chance to grow even though I
don't always feel that way when I am facing another round of growth!
While I can't help everybody, I do have a few ways parents of high need
babies can get some help:
For Breastfeeding help and Lactation Counseling
To find out about Private Sessions
mold.
Your baby cries way too much. Damned, if you can figure out why more than
half the time. You walk them, rock them, and pass them off to any willing arms. You
are up at night way too much. You receive plenty of advice, most of it unhelpful.
You feel alone, punished, lost, ashamed, and most of all exhausted.
Your birth probably wasn't smooth, nor was nursing and either you have
given up or you are still nursing day and night, and maybe struggling with your
baby refusing to nurse, crying at feedings, or suffering with painful nipples. You
may stay home because the mere thought of going out is exhausting. You let your
baby cry because you don't know what else to do. You may be having fantasies
about running away from home, chucking him out the window or putting her in the
oven.
You have tried all the traditional solutions:
You have held them, "shooshed" them, swaddled them, and walked the floor. You
have tried letting them cry it out and they don't stop. You have read books,
watched videos, you've changed your diet or tried every formula. You have tried
chiropractic, cranial sacral therapy, medication, homeopathics and infant massage
and still they cry.
Why the traditional solutions don't work:
The problem with all these methods is just that: Methods. Tools. Tools without an
instruction manual, to be exact. And, as you have come to realize, your high need
baby did not come with an instruction manual. Of any kind. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
No Instruction Manual. And you may not want to hear this...It may be a while
before you figure out some strategies that work for you both.
"Great." you say. "Now what?"
When you have an unhappy or difficult baby, whether it is your first baby, or fifth,
for that matter, it can be really hard to figure out what is going on. How could they
need SO MUCH? What is the real problem? Especially when they are obviously in
pain. Is it a physical problem like gas or GERD? Are there other circumstances
beyond your control, like siblings? Even when you do figure out what is causing the
problem: You are still left with:
"I can't take it any more. What do I do now?"
This question is legitimate and scary. You are an adult. You should know how to
do this, right?
Wrong.
Most of us were not raised in a community where we observed babies being
parented. You may have memories of your siblings, or you may have babysat.
Chances are, you never learned the basics of babyhood. Even if you did,
mainstream parenting doesn't understand high need babies.
If this is the case, then you, of all parents, can use some help. That doesn't
mean you know what kind of help you are needing, or where to get it. It just means
that you could use some help of some kind. When you are exhausted and rattled
from your baby's demands, it's hard to know what to do. You feel as if you are the
only one who gone through this and just want to give up.
"My baby's still howling. Can I get some help, like right NOW?"
Can you try this? Take a moment and relax with your baby. Right now... Even if she
is howling....snuggle her in close, take a deep breath in and let it out....remember
why you did this.
You may not believe this, but you are the expert in what is best for your
child. In time, you will know what to do and things will get better.
You are probably going to need more than a couple of things to be confident in
your abilities, to know that you know your baby and that you are the perfect parent
for your child. Most high need babies grow into high need children, then spirited
teens before finally blossoming into amazing adults. But that's a long way off. Let's
start small.
Here are some things that might help you, right now.
- One Day At A Time. Sometimes it's one hour or one minute at a time. You
can't always stop your baby from crying, but you can rock with him while he
cries. While you are rocking, think of how you would like to be treated if you
were upset, add some accepting, and some grieving, stir in a lot of patience,
re-framing and big biceps and you will pass a lot of time.
- Group support can be a sanity saver. Just knowing: "I am not the only
one!" causes a huge release in tension. Your child is not going to change
anytime soon and the more support you have, the more energy you will have
for your baby. Groups are great for brainstorming on ideas when you are
stuck and for sharing when you figure things out--which will happen.
- Some explanation of high need baby behaviors may help you to write
your own parenting manual and save you both a lot of irritation and
frustration with each other. Because your baby has more needs than the
average baby and most parenting experts don't understand high need babies.
- Domestic Help Hold off on the expensive Baby Parking Gadgets, but do buy
a baby sling or carrier. Your baby really wants you and only you. If you have
money to spend, invest in high falutin' expenditures like a mother's helper,
cook, and house cleaner. Friends and relatives can be a godsend, if they are
willing and able. This frees you up to rest and spend time learning what makes
your baby tick.
- Private sessions around specific problems in parenting, breastfeeding, or
birth trauma can get rid of that which may be causing unnecessary stress.
One-on-one sessions can help you to gain a better understanding of who
your baby is and what he or she needs from you. Read more about Private
Sessions.
Here's why I am passionate about high need babies:
My own high need baby drove me to the brink of insanity just trying to figure
him out. I started mothering with an unexpected cesarean followed by a year of
crying and postpartum depression, a high-need baby and a full-time business. We
learned breastfeeding the hard way. After two years of working full-time, I quit
trying to "shoe-horn" my high need baby into a mold he would never fit. I became a
stay-at-home mom. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I was terrified!
What if I had two more kids like my first?
The turning point was during the pregnancy with my twins when I had my
first Resonance Repatterning session and went on to have a VBAC at home. The
twins were and are calmer and less needy than their brother. I became a La Leche
League Leader in 1998 and a Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) in 2010.
I studied Resonance Repatterning for 10 years and become a Certified Practitioner
in 2009.
My high need child was and is my most demanding teacher. He has
uncompromising demands for my personal growth. All my kids have allowed (or
forced) me to embody spiritual qualities like grace, joy, connection, humility,
acceptance and humor. In hindsight, I appreciate the chance to grow even though I
don't always feel that way when I am facing another round of growth!
While I can't help everybody, I do have a few ways parents of high need
babies can get some help:
For Breastfeeding help and Lactation Counseling
To find out about Private Sessions
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| © Copyright 2005-2010, Donna Bruschi, All rights reserved. Resonance RepatterningR is used under license from Chloe Faith Wordsworth. |
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perfect. Somehow you know just what to say at just the right time. We've been discussing how and when we want to start to transition our daughter to her own room. I feel like I've read every book and listened to every advice out there but yours rings truest and we've been taking it day by day (or night by night). It's nice to have your thoughts reinforced, with "Hey, you've got the idea"! Thanks so much! Love, Amy |
My Favorite Books
The Fussy Baby Book
by William and Martha Sears
Raising Your Spirited Child
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Growing Up Again
by Jean Ilsley Clarke
The Out of Sync Child
by Carol Stock Kranowitz
Your Fussy Baby
Dr. Marc Weissbluth
Taming the Spirited Child
Michael Popkin
The Fussy Baby Book
by William and Martha Sears
Raising Your Spirited Child
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Growing Up Again
by Jean Ilsley Clarke
The Out of Sync Child
by Carol Stock Kranowitz
Your Fussy Baby
Dr. Marc Weissbluth
Taming the Spirited Child
Michael Popkin
