| Child Violence by Donna Bruschi With recent high profile child-to-child violence, comes the wringing of hands and a call for “Someone to do Something!” Fingers point at the child, at the parents, at the school administration and at society. As humans, our basic need is survival—enough food, air and water, and some shelter. Biologically, our needs for companionship and community enhance those needs being met. A community is more likely to survive because some members can protect, some can provide, some can raise children. Biologically we haven’t changed much from primitive times. Members of a community balance their personal needs with the needs of their fellows and families. When we look at the roots of child-to-child violence we can recognize patterns of ineffective communication. The child is trying to get his needs met, but has never learned how from the adults who are raising him. The pattern is one of complying with adult demands at home and at school while suppressing his own ‘self’ to the cause of obedience and fitting in. At some point, the bully, the perpetrator of violence, snaps and commits a violent act against another child. Whether it is ganging up on another child over a perceived slight, or shooting classmates, who “deserve” it, the underlying pattern is the same. The bully feels he has no voice, no right to ask for what he needs, no way of getting help from the powerful adults around him. He takes matters into his own hands and uses his experiences to shape the crime. Parents feel helpless. They have not been prepared to handle such complex issues within their child. It is easier to hope it happens to someone else’s child. It is not easy to learn what is best for your child. An adult can go a long time living day to day, smoking or drinking, with a string of low paying jobs, overweight, or depressed. When that person has a child who can’t sleep at night, who is acting out in school, or who doesn’t speak to him, they know: 'Things could be improved." Often it is a child acting out that is the catalyst for real change within a family. How can a parent feel sure his child won’t be the martyr who shoots 38 classmates and himself? I don’t think a parent can, but parents can to do much to reduce the risk. Studies show that kids who feel a connection to other human beings feel less violent and are more compassionate. A parent who accepts that his child asks for what he needs and does his best to fulfill those needs, builds that connection. In an ideal world, the place to start this connection is at conception. Birth is another milestone where compassion and connection are crucial. Breastfeeding is the gold standard of infant feeding for a good reason. It feeds mother and baby physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As the baby grows, compassionate limits shape the child while allowing their essential inner self to shine through. Connected parents know that the answers to their problems lie within themselves, not from a bestseller, a TV show or a “professional child fixer”. A good parent looks for inspiration from all those places and customizes it to fit his relationship. When the ideal doesn’t happen, there are many things you can do to connect with your child. Life is about improving yourself and your family. We may remember our parents striving to make our lives better than theirs. We all want our children to have what we didn’t get. We can learn what our child truly needs. We all know deep in our hearts what we need. The goal is to unlock and communicate that need and have it fulfilled. |
| Donna Bruschi Resonance Repatterning Communication Skills La Leche League |
| May, 2008 |
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| Donna Bruschi |
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| What’s New? I am working on my next article about trauma and raising kids with special needs. A big THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me by receiving sessions and giving feedback: The parents who have shared their experiences with me and Scott for his unwavering support. |
Essential in any conversation is rapport. Rapport can be loosely defined as connecting from the
heart. It also involves several other key components.
When you are consciously trying to build rapport with another, your focus is on them. There is light
eye contact. Enough that they feel seen, but not so much that your eyes are boring into them. You are
paying attention to them, every sense is tuning into them. You are seeing them and hearing them,
Your second senses are alert to their movements. Your body has moved into a comfortable distance
for them. Focus is active: it is unconscious adjustments every second or two. It is as if they are a
radio station you are tuning in, trying to clear every bit of static.
While you are tuning in, you listen. You hear their words, sense the body language attached and
note the tone of the message. At appropriate places, you help them reflect back on what they have
said. You are genuinely trying to understand them. If you are not sure, ask them gently to say it in a
different way.
Relating is another aspect. Your body movements mirror theirs, your vocal tone matches theirs. You
use words they understand. You move closer or further away as you sense they are comfortable.
Relating means the speaker leads while you follow, quietly tracking and matching their movements,
speech, and tone. Your vocal tones and pace mirrors, but not mimics, theirs.
Acknowledgment is a fourth aspect. As you listen, you nod slowly. At appropriate breaks you can
rephrase what you think you heard. If you are confused, you ask them if they can say it again
differently. You gently summarize the main points. You offer empathy by picking out their feeling and
letting them hear it back.
If you are using rapport in a helping conversation, a visual that can be helpful is to imagine the
speaker as a container. Everything she pours out goes back into her. Your job as listener is to help
her sort and keep everything together. Everything you say and do is to anchor her more firmly into her
body. All your movements are calming and reassuring. Your tone slightly slower and lower than hers.
When you are building rapport in a social situation, you will sometimes be leading the conversation,
sometimes following. You will always be focusing, relating, listening and acknowledging as the
conversation proceeds.
heart. It also involves several other key components.
When you are consciously trying to build rapport with another, your focus is on them. There is light
eye contact. Enough that they feel seen, but not so much that your eyes are boring into them. You are
paying attention to them, every sense is tuning into them. You are seeing them and hearing them,
Your second senses are alert to their movements. Your body has moved into a comfortable distance
for them. Focus is active: it is unconscious adjustments every second or two. It is as if they are a
radio station you are tuning in, trying to clear every bit of static.
While you are tuning in, you listen. You hear their words, sense the body language attached and
note the tone of the message. At appropriate places, you help them reflect back on what they have
said. You are genuinely trying to understand them. If you are not sure, ask them gently to say it in a
different way.
Relating is another aspect. Your body movements mirror theirs, your vocal tone matches theirs. You
use words they understand. You move closer or further away as you sense they are comfortable.
Relating means the speaker leads while you follow, quietly tracking and matching their movements,
speech, and tone. Your vocal tones and pace mirrors, but not mimics, theirs.
Acknowledgment is a fourth aspect. As you listen, you nod slowly. At appropriate breaks you can
rephrase what you think you heard. If you are confused, you ask them if they can say it again
differently. You gently summarize the main points. You offer empathy by picking out their feeling and
letting them hear it back.
If you are using rapport in a helping conversation, a visual that can be helpful is to imagine the
speaker as a container. Everything she pours out goes back into her. Your job as listener is to help
her sort and keep everything together. Everything you say and do is to anchor her more firmly into her
body. All your movements are calming and reassuring. Your tone slightly slower and lower than hers.
When you are building rapport in a social situation, you will sometimes be leading the conversation,
sometimes following. You will always be focusing, relating, listening and acknowledging as the
conversation proceeds.
| Rapport by Donna Bruschi |