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One of the traps new parents can fall into is thinking they have to teach their baby to self soothe.  Infants are too young to consciously self soothe.  You probably know some babies who do “self-soothe” and you may wonder why your baby does or does not.

Here is what is happening when a baby “self soothes”.

Humans did not always live in relatively safe houses and apartments.

Long ago… in the time of the sabertooth tiger….we used a survival tool called the “fight or flight” responses. And we still use it today. Briefly, when faced with danger, humans get a burst of adrenaline that switches off less important body functions like digestion or lactation, and prepares them to fight an attacker or flee danger. If that fails, or if the human is very young, there is a backup called the “freeze” response that shuts down the whole body so as to appear dead. This is an attempt to become less visible or to fool the predator into thinking that the victim is inedible because they are already dead. It may also serve to make the victim numb in the event they are eaten.

Babies have no sense of time. In other words, when a baby is separated from his mother, he can’t know she is coming back “in just a minute”. So he cries. Mothers are made to respond to their baby’s cry. You probably can’t stand to hear your baby cry–that’s how its supposed to be. Baby has a need–mom responds–need is met–baby survives.

If the mother doesn’t respond, the baby gets scared, which activates an adrenaline rush and escalates his response–crying louder and harder. He is incapable of fighting or running without his mom. He is certain she is gone, because if she was near, she would have responded to his cries. When a baby reaches that level of stress, he gives up. He goes into the freeze response because by dramatically lowering his heartrate, breathing and digestion, he conserves energy and has a greater chance of surviving.

This is the so-called “self soothing” that babies do.

So when parents use this, what they really are doing is teaching their baby that:
“I don’t understand what you are telling me.”
“I am going to ignore your needs.”
and
“Stop asking for help.”

Some babies don’t give up. You may have a baby that will cry all night if left alone. She teaches you to respond to her needs because they are just that: Needs. Maybe it’s not a need for food, but a need for survival and protection that is hardwired in. Whatever the underlying need, she relies on you until she can think and act for herself and meet her own needs. Only then, can she ‘self soothe’.

Maybe you can remember a time as an adult when you were in pain, scared or lonely. Maybe you were even frustrated, tired or hungry. Maybe just bored. If you were alone, how did you sort it out? Were you able to self soothe? Or did you handle it in some other way, maybe eat chocolate, watch TV, smoke a joint or have a glass of wine?

Who Loves YOU?

Your baby, of course. Your partner, of course. Your friends… Of course!

How about you? Do you love yourself? Most of us do. Probably not all the time. Maybe not even most of the time. Having a baby can exacerbate this lack of self love. Somehow, that little being brings out your worst: your impatience, your sadness, your anger, your low self esteem, your GUILT!!!!!

You fall into the comparison trap. You see other mothers at their best. You watch TV shows and movies with “Mom Impersonators”. Screen writers condemn and make fun of your very worst moments while highlighting the Kodak Moments. You start to think “That’s how it really is”.

You start to think there is something wrong with you when your baby cries and you can’t soothe him. You start to think you have no milk because your baby fusses at the breast, or because your breasts are small. You get anxious when your partner is due home because you are still in your pajamas, breakfast is still uneaten on the table and dinner is some sort of dim oasis far on the horizon.

You just want your mommy. Not just any mommy… but June Cleaver, Mother Theresa and Aunt Jemima rolled into one. Someone who will Take Over, GET ALL THOSE THINGS DONE, and hold you while you cry.

Honey… I got news for you. She’s not coming. She doesn’t exist and never has. If she ever did exist, she had Staff and probably drank to smooth it all out in her mind.

So what is possible?  A dose of acceptance. A little, or a lot of, “Letting go”. Making some new friends who understand where you are at and how it is with a new baby.

Most importantly, you have to ask for help. People want to help you. They really do. See all those gifts, cards, emails, likes, phone messages, texts? That is because they want to help. They want you to feel proud, because they are proud of you. They want you to feel good about being a mother. Your job is to get over this mistaken belief that you have to do it all yourself.

It’s not easy. Help doesn’t always come in the right sizes, shapes and colors. Sometimes it comes with strings attached. Or guilt. Sometimes it’s like a bag of hand-me-downs. You have to sort through it and take what works for you.

Sometimes, you have to be REAL specific about what you want….with your mother…who didn’t raise you the way you are raising your baby. It’s part of growing up and you can learn how to do it. She may grumble, or criticize (Painful!) but stick to what you want and she’ll come around. Probably.

You came to me as a small fish: frantic, untiring, unceasing
Swimming upstream to the place of your birth
Your only need, to reach the headwaters
At that moment, I knew and surrendered,
And a spring deep inside me sprang.
And I held you.
You asked to fill a pond and did.
In time, your incessant demands pushed forth a tiny stream.
Droplets skittering over my being, your essence seeping into my dust
Each day a new gush, another groove, cut and deepened
And still you spurted forth,
Carving me in ways I didn’t expect
You dribbled and babbled and always I held you,
New shoots sprang up in your presence, needing tender care
The spring thaw always eroded
Unearthing pebbles, then rocks
Carrying them, bump. bump.
While you gurgled and rushed seeking the path of least resistance.
Gaining momentum, deepening, broadening
Overrunning your banks, Flooding me
Gouging me, eroding my boundaries
Always shaping and cutting your own path.
Always following the path of least resistance
In your retreat, detritus and silt to be absorbed

An arial reveals switchbacks and impossible twists
That make no sense
Until you are walking the banks, walking the lay of the land.

An eddy formed, a deep swirling in my unceasing efforts to hold you.
I admired how the sun cracked into a million diamonds on your skin
You fell silent, biding your time, building strength, seeking an outlet
A thundering roar as you exploded over the edge.
A thing of unimaginable beauty
My heart stopped as you went over
That unstoppable, terrifying, endless plummet
Only to land in another eddy, in my grasping to hold you
Yet forward you moved, dragging rocks, trees, pieces of my heart
Your power fluid, spellbinding
I was awestruck, lovestruck…watching you go in your churning
You embraced, then sidestepped boulders
One day it happened. I held you one last time and you were gone
The swells of the ocean pulled you in
I watched for awhile, sad and happy adding my tears to the stream
Grateful for the spring that still nourishes my heart

The First Step Out of Depression and Despair

When you are depressed, you are all alone.  Nobody understands you. Your moods roll between despair and loneliness. You find ways to compensate for the emptiness inside. It may be sleep, alcohol or drugs, eating or watching TV. You have no resources you can draw on. Most importantly: there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

When my first child was born, I  plunged into postpartum depression.  Depression is a common occurrence in my family and extended family. I had been through periods of depression in my life. Nothing prepared me for the turmoil and shame I experienced in the year after I birthed my first baby. I was lost in feelings of rage, frustration, despair, grief, shame and guilt. I loved being a mother. I loved smelling him and caring for him. I loved looking into his eyes and being with him…to a point. Then, it was like a good game gone bad. He wouldn’t stop crying. He would wake hourly and I couldn’t console him. Breastfeeding usually worked as a way to calm and quiet him, but not always. Then, it was an endless series of holding, rocking, walking. Inside and outside. We would take him for a ride in the car and back into the house, crying. I did whatever brought a period of relief.

Good mothers aren’t supposed to feel rage towards their baby, but I did. I resented him. I needed sleep and he wouldn’t sleep. There was an endless period of  days? weeks? I don’t remember.  I was so frustrated, I just let him cry. I sat watching him, not knowing what to do. I refused to pick him up. I was so tired and spent,  I just couldn’t. Something inside me had given up. I remember my friend arriving, saying: “You just can’t let him cry” as she picked him up. I was numb and didn’t care.  Good mothers aren’t supposed to feel numb towards their baby, but I did. I was all alone.

If I was to get help, it meant explaining that I was confused and was frustrated by my responsibilities as a mother. And I didn’t really know how to say that. I didn’t know motherhood could be confusing and frustrating. I was so overwhelmed that the thought of killing my baby kept popping into my mind. I didn’t think I would act on it, but it was scary. How could I be that kind of mother? I didn’t really know what would happen if I explained my situation, but I figured there was a good chance that they would take my baby away and put me in a psychiatric hospital. So I kept silent. What choice did I have except to suffer alone with my baby?

My first step towards healing happened by accident. Because of the trouble I had breastfeeding, my husband called La Leche League. I missed a few meetings because of exhaustion, or doubt (“Breastfeeding is going better, so I don’t need to go.”) or fear (“I am a bad mom and need to hide it.”) But one day, I did go. I found company. I learned that other mothers were tired. That they were frustrated. And…one mother had even felt like I did. I felt welcomed and went home feeling relieved and with a glimmer of hope and optimism.

The overwhelming feelings I felt are familiar to anyone who has suffered, whether it be with a baby, a relationship, or an addiction. Chapter 11 in The Big Book (1) describes them as “The Four Hideous Horsemen” – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. This chapter spells out a path of recovery from these chronic states of being. For those of you not familiar with it, The Big Book is the guidebook for Alcoholics Anonymous. This chapter, like many of the earlier chapters, opens with a portrayal of the alcoholic drinker so that one is able identify with another who has suffered like the reader. The chapter shows us the path he took to recovery and gives us hope that we too can recover if we follow the path they took. They offer their human example and they offer to keep us company. In this, we are assured that we are not alone and hope that we too, can move out of despair.

As history has shown, this method is nothing short of miraculous. AA offers a way of life that anyone has access to. The foundation stone of this way of life is helping others.  By working with others we find companionship anywhere in our lives. Connection with others brings us hope and the courage to continue even when all seems lost.

In a similar way, two young mothers talking at a church picnic found that they shared many of the same feelings of frustration and despair. They decided to meet again to talk and each invited other mothers they knew. This casual gathering of new mothers who wanted to know more about breastfeeding birthed La Leche League. Fifty years later, thousands of groups meet offering mother-to-mother support, helping mothers relax into their mothering experiences, knowing that mothering is challenging.

When mothers attend a meeting, they find out that they are not alone. By their second meeting, when they are seasoned pros of a two month old baby, they help reassure mothers of newborns that what they are experiencing is completely normal. More importantly, they offer living proof that things will improve.

It is this ability of community to help and heal that brings us back around to our own humanity and generosity. It fosters love and caring. After we have our feet under us a little bit, we can see another who is struggling more than us. And it can inspire us to be gracious and generous.

Awakening spiritually as the result of this support. We surrender to something which is larger, much larger than ourselves. Many people have said that babies are true spiritual teachers. They demand that we be loving and compassionate. They demand that we be of service to others. They demand that we be patient and allow God’s work to unfold in His time, not ours.

If you are suffering, start by finding the company of others in a similar situation as you. Connect with them. Because you have things in common, you can feel safe in sharing what you thought was shameful or secret. They will understand you.

The next step is one that many of us have a hard time accepting. Allow yourself to feel the love and caring they have for you. Then, allow this love and caring to work its magic.

The final piece in the process is to pass it on; to share your experiences with others who are suffering and giving them hope.

All human beings have these feelings. We all go through all of them on a regular basis. Most people have at least one “Dark Night of the Soul” where they experience all of them at the same time for an extended period. I think it is part of what is necessary as a human. Support from our tribe is the foundation stone in learning the lessons and moving through this period in a graceful way.

1. (Alcoholics Anonymous) Page 151, Chapter 11 A Vision For You.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf)

This concept has it’s origin in the Bible as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: pestilence, war, famine, death. Book of Revelation of Saint John the Evangelist at 6:1-8.

• Pestilence is a metaphor for being overcome, overwhelmed, confused, or bewildered.

• War is a metaphor for fighting with one’s family and friends and for going it alone, believing that only “I” know the right way. For taking a stand that pits oneself against another. For being unable to find a common bond with another human being.

• Famine is a metaphor for emptiness one feels in ones heart and life. It is about starving: physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

• Death is a metaphor for despair. It is when we suffer a death of hope. We believe that we are at the end of our rope. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Nothing prepared Jenn for the searing pain coming from her left breast. She let out a howl and looked down at her son. If that wasn’t bad enough, there was baby Josh with a big smile on his face. He pulled her nipple out another inch and let it go. He stared at her and tried to nurse again when her hand and a loud “No!” stopped him. His smile turned to a cry and he burst out sobbing.

Jenn felt terrible and confused. It hurt! Why would he bite her? Why was he so proud of hurting her?  Her first impulse was to push him away, then tears came to her eyes and she hugged him in.  A quick look at her nipple showed bright red teeth prints but no blood.

There is not much worse than a baby who bites. The most dedicated nursing mother can give up hope when faced with Round Two or Three of nursing after a hard bite.

Why do babies bite and what can you do to stop them?

Most mothers report that their baby started biting at around 4-6 months of age. A baby usually bites because he wants his mother’s attention and her attention is elsewhere. A baby wants to be in constant connection with his mother because she is his lifeline. When she is away, even if it\’s only on a mental vacation, he will try to bring her attention back. Other reasons a baby might be biting is because the milk flow slowed, his teeth hurt or he sees he’s getting an unusual reaction from his mother and he’s curious about it.

The easiest way to avoid being bitten again is to pay attention to your baby while he is nursing. There are clues that a bite is coming. In every feeding, you usually have three stages. The first is active feeding time, when the baby is gulping. That is usually a low risk time for biting. Then comes a transition time where you may feel your baby start to become restless, stop sucking or start squirming. Right after this, there may be a pause followed by the bite.

During the transition time, focus on your baby. If he tries to bite, be prepared to unlatch him with your finger. Alternatively, you can pull him in against your breast so his nose is blocked. When his nose is blocked, his mouth will pop open and he will release your breast. Most mothers have a preference to one way or the other.

At this point you can offer him something else, talk to him about nursing correctly or just end the nursing session and hold him. Try not to overreact by pushing him away or setting him down away from you. This just reinforces the feeling of separation that he was bringing to your attention by biting you.

Some babies bite once and never do it again. Others need a little more coaching. All babies stop because they love breastfeeding and you and don’t want to hurt your or their ability to nurse.

A marriage is a public declaration of commitment between two people. That part is clear. In American culture, one man, one woman, promising to love one another, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part.

Then it gets murky…there are so many details in a marriage that aren’t clear. Like, who does the dishes, who gets the remote, and how a couple should spend their time and money. Most couples negotiate these details with love and caring for each other. They make the transistion from the slow dance of starry-eyed love into a respectable waltz, lindy or merengue.

But, it takes Two to Tango. And sometimes, couples get thrown out into the dance floor on Tango Night without a clue as to the steps or the rules or how to negotiate the complicated steps with a partner who is as baffled as they are. They are embarrassed and unsure of how they got there, how it all works and how to make it back to the safety of their candlelit table without stepping on each other’s feet.

When my ex and I had a 1 year old son, we had a lot of tension between us. I was working full time and was responsible for most of the baby’s care. He was working overtime and weekends. I was resentful and tired. He was resentful and tired.

I was angry because he didn’t seem to realize how much work was involved in raising our son. He had been teething, crawling, and waking frequently at night. He had started following me around dumping baskets, emptying cabinets and demanding to be held. I loved him dearly and loved being a mother, but I felt like a single parent. I lived in a fog of exhaustion, wishing I could just sleep for a week.

My ex was worried about money and me. Before the baby, we were able to pay all the bills easily, save for retirement and go on vacations. My car had 100,000 miles on it. He wanted to start putting away money for college and instead, we were tapping into our savings. In his view, I didn’t seem to notice. The house was a mess. I was distant and uninterested in sex. I was obsessed by the baby, and worse, criticizing him for busting his ass so we could be comfortable.

When there’s tension in a marriage, it is usually because each partner is living their own life without including the other. It happens after a life change, like having a baby. It can happen when one is changing careers or caring for elderly parents. The common theme is a pull on one or both partners away from their primary marriage commitment. It is characterized by resentment, anger, frustration, sadness by both partners and if unresolved, will lead to estrangement or divorce.

Rather than focus on the past with accusations like “You never help!” and “Don’t you love me anymore?” It might be more helpful for each to accept that “It’s Showtime!” and figure out how it all works. Three simple questions can shape a conversation that gets a couple thinking in terms of a partnership again.

“What is important to me?”

“What is important to us as a couple?”

“What is important to us as a family?”

These forward thinking questions can start a conversation that can go anywhere. These questions be asked daily, weekly or long term. Asking these questions is like following the footprints on the dance floor.

If that is not working, it might be helpful to get some outside help in the form of a therapist or a group to gain some more negotiation skills. Unlike negotiation on TV with picket signs and chanting, negotiation in marriage is like a dance that takes partners from awkwardly stepping on the other’s toes, through the basic steps, into swirling magic with both partners happy to be in the other’s arms. And like the Tango, it might take more than a 5 minute YouTube video and footprints on the floor to learn. Even if you find that you and your partner can’t learn the Tango, you have the opportunity to master a simpler dance and find a working partnership in your relationship.

Eventually, my ex and I did give up learning to Tango. However, we continue to ask those three questions as we raise our kids, together. I would say that we do have a working partnership even though we are now divorced.

My kids and I celebrated our yearly Road Trip. We decided to spend quite a bit of time swimming in the Atlantic Ocean. If you have never swam in the ocean, or if you are afraid, here is something you may know.  If you try to face waves standing up, they can easily knock you down. Here is something you may not know. If you duck under the breakers, you pop out on the backside of the wave easily. This works even with really big waves, like those that come with a hurricane. I am not suggesting you swim during a hurricane…but ducking waves and surrendering to being pulled around by the ocean are two good principles to use.

We stayed with family in Florida who offered to take us to see The Fort and The Great Cross in St. Augustine. I wasn’t sure, but agreed to go to be polite. The Great Cross turns out to be at The Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche that La Leche League is named after! It is a shrine dedicated to motherhood and all mothers.

The shrine itself is in a one room chapel with some benches, an altar and a beautiful statue of Mary nursing Jesus.  Mary is sitting in an illuminated alcove nursing Jesus and above the alcove is a crucifix with Jesus. There are reliefs around the chapel depicting The Stations of  The Cross.

As a mother, I was struck by the two ideas right next to each other.  Clearly, Mary was not an ordinary mother, but she was human. I would imagine she felt overwhelmed and daunted by her responsibilities as most mothers do. And yet, she found faith within her connection and communication with God that gave her hope and patience. She was able to see and understand the larger picture of why she was raising her child. Most mothers don’t have that larger picture and they lose patience and hope.

At the same time, she could not have know all that would happen. Even if she did, I don’t think she could have believed it. There are always things to surprise us in our lives. These surprises challenge us and force us to reexamine our thinking. They force us to consider what is important. They give us a choice to be either overwhelmed or to respond with grace. In a lot of ways, our troubles are like ocean waves.

Whether you call it centering yourself, praying, or being composed in the face of tragedy, it is a lot like ducking the wave. You come into acceptance that you can’t fight it, you bow your head and wait for it to pass, swimming in that source of love and faith. The more time I spend in the divine qualities of patience and compassion, the better I feel. I can trust that I don’t have the full picture or understanding of the turmoil I am facing. It is enough to duck below the breaking wave and feel the churning pass overhead. I don’t have to take it full on.

Also at The Mission is a meditation walk of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. I skipped the meditation walk for my kids’ sake. They were eager to see The Fort and I was satisfied with the time they had given me for sitting in the chapel.

I think a lot about Mary as a mother. I wasn’t raised Catholic, and because of the time period she lived, there isn’t that much written about her. I can only imagine, that, if being a mother of any child is hard work, being the mother of Jesus must have been especially overwhelming.

When I researched The Seven Sorrows, they were truly awful. They were hurricane sized problems that no mother should have to live through. When things are hard for me (and I haven’t had any of these!), I do think about how much love, faith, compassion, patience and other divine qualities she must have been forced to learn. I say to myself: “If Mary could do it, then I can.”  Somehow, this gives me more strength to overcome my doubts about whether or not I am doing the right thing when I mother my children.

I think Mary learned to be a Saint through her mothering. She may have started with more patience and faith than the rest of us, but surely her child helped her to grow spiritually into a more patient, loving and faithful person. And this is the lesson I hope to learn from my mothering experience.

If you are curious, these are The Seven Sorrows:
1. The Prophecy of Simeon over the Infant Jesus. (Gospel of Luke 2:34)
2. The Flight into Egypt of the Holy Family. (Gospel of Matthew 2:13)
3. The Loss of the Child Jesus for Three Days. (Luke 2:43)
4. The Meeting of Jesus and Mary along the Way of the Cross. (Luke 23:26)
5. The Crucifixion, where Mary stands at the foot of the cross. (Gospel of John 19:25)
6. The Descent from the Cross, where Mary receives the dead body of Jesus in her arms. (Matthew 27:57)
7. The Burial of Jesus. (John 19:40)

Here is the link for The Shrine:
http://www.missionandshrine.org/la_leche.htm

“We have to do a C-Section.”

The words fell like blows shattering all my dreams and expectations of a natural childbirth. I had tried so hard to relax and open up in the hospital and it had not worked. I was stuck at 6 or 7 cm and just not comfortable in the hospital. In hindsight, it was a typical progression for a hospital birth. At the time it was traumatic. And it set off a series of unfortunate events that culminated in the person I am today.

I came out of Labor and Delivery very sad. When my baby and I were separated for 4 hours, I got very angry and rollercoasted between the two for the next year. Nursing got off to a bad start and took about two weeks to get comfortable. I spun into Postpartum Depression. I cried all the time. I lived in a half woken state. I thought about putting my baby in the oven. I hid the knives and then moved them again and again. I knew it was a bad idea to kill him, but the thoughts haunted me.

My husband started to get me help. He called La Leche League. He made me come back to work in our business to work, so I wouldn’t be unsupervised and tried to distract me. He called therapists and got me a physical. We started going to therapy as a family.

“Have you had thoughts of hurting your baby?”

“NO!”

I knew they would separate us and probably hospitalize me. Whether or not this was true, it is what I believed. Separation would end our nursing relationship and THAT was the only thing going well. At that time, anti-depressants were untested on nursing mothers. I refused them, preferring to nurse.

We had a fussy baby who didn’t sleep. A 2.9 in the “Colic Rule of 3″. That is still enough to rattle anyone. And nursing was The Way to soothe. I thought if I could just keep nursing and get some sleep, I would be OK.

Then, I did what turns out to be a valid piece in overcoming depression. I started a playgroup. When my baby was six months, I met 4 women at La Leche League and we (very shyly) agreed to meet weekly. This, more than anything, pulled me out of the hole. By one year, I still felt tired and angry, but only sad intermittantly.

It was at that time, I was invited to be a La Leche League Leader. I started the application process and the rest is another story.

“I like restraint, if it doesn’t go to far”–Mae West

While, doing the dishes last night, it occurred to me that the past 5 months have been no fun. In FACT, they have been a real drag. I have been dwelling on the Dark Side:  of divorce, of building a healing practice, of earning money, of my moody kids and on and on. Granted, I had some serious shifts in my life, all at the same time–but did I have to be so SERIOUS about them?

The answer is no…and yes. They were scary, to me, and I got off balance. It took a reminder from Ann Strong (http://annstrong.com/mentor-coach/) and the enneagram (http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/)that I am a seven–the Enthusiast!!!  I live in Joy the way some people live in, well, whatever, fill-in-the-blank. How could I, of all people, have forgotten fun and avoided joy? It happens!

So, how can one make this shift from pessimism to optimism? Laughing! Laugh often, laugh loud laugh until it hurts. Seek out the humor in every situation–Dark as it may be, and find someone to share it with–Thank you to all my friends and family who share in my laughter!

Donna is the mother of 3 teens, including twins. She is a Certified Lactation Counselor and a healer who specializes in parenting. She leads several support groups in New Paltz including “Parenting Teens” and “New Baby, New Paltz”.